I am not a Monkey

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 18:08:53 GMT

I've noticed alot of my posts are titled with random sounds instead of actual points. This is a trend I feel comfortable with as I only tend to post on here to get stuff off of my chest. I have a few good friends who enable to me talk and resolve most of my stress, and I hope I do the same for them.

This however, just plain needs an LJ rant.

A few months back I fell out with Keighly, granted I'm not entirely guiltless in that situation. It was over her car, and the jist is I made fun of it, which she didn't like, and I proceeded to get mad at her because I felt like turnabout wasn't fair play with her. End of. We'd made up, all was forgotten.

Well yesterday we go out. We're sat in the pub when the conversation of uni comes up. Now she goes on about how she's better at what she did then I am at what I did because she got a 2:1 and me a 2:2. Which sounds alright, apart from that she wasn't smiling when she said this, and had the most serious look on anyone I'd ever seen.

I try to laugh it off, thinking she must be joking, until she repeats it. I go on to make up some jokey excuse but before I get chance she says "no but I'm still better than you are". So what do I say?

"At least it only took me one attempt to pass my degree."

Not the nicest thing to say to anyone, ever. Degrees are hard fucking work and I'm proud of all my friends who have got themselves their degrees and all my friends who are working towards theirs now. Good on you.

But what the fuck was I supposed to do? I regret saying it obviously, but I'm not sure how guilty I feel. It didn't seem yesterday like she was just messing me around, there was no smile and certainly no laughter as she said it. I was angry at being told that she was better than me. We both have degrees, there's no fucking competition in it. You worked harder than me, and at something I couldn't grasp so kudos to you. But to bluntly say you're better than me? What would any of you have done if someone was belittling your greatest achievement. Someone who was supposed to be one of your better friends?

I don't plan these posts out, can you tell? I just sit and type. Which has started me thinking of what kind of friend I am to her. She fishes for compliments from me, complained when I wanted to do something else (I wanted to leave Barracuda bar and wander around, crime anybody?) and had another go at me when I didn't outright call her sexy. I'm not there to feed your ego love, just because I had a thing for you doesn't mean you'll eternally get compliments off me for the rest of your life.

Gah, I don't know if I want to see her again. I put my foot in my mouth, I don't even know whether to try and justify what I said. Geh.

woo

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 20:23:55 GMT

Applied again for the card job.

Annoying an American business. Fun!

Tue, 27 May 2008 18:26:05 GMT

I didn't get the job. ah well, realistically I don't think I could have accepted it. Job hunt continues!

Fri, 16 May 2008 07:47:28 GMT

Okay.

for number 1. The kids card, I struggled like a mofo until the lovely Timzorz helped me out.

It's a visual of a moose in party gear looking happy, with a caption of "have a moose wonderful birthday!"

number 2. "ever the pessimists, Dora and Flo packed their winter best for their holiday to Ibiza"

number 3: monkey and smaller monkey hanging off a vine in the jungle. Caption "I always love hanging with you, Dad."

number 4: "Your love carries me on when I haven't the strength to walk."

Wish me luck! x

Hallmark

Thu, 15 May 2008 15:03:16 GMT

I have gotten through to the final processing stage for this card writing gig. Yet now i'm unsure of what to do about it. Travel to Bradford will be fookin expensive, I've done my research and we're talking £90 a week on the train, easy. Which is alot, but having a car would make the commute worthwhile.

I only applied for the job on a whim, but now it's really growing on me. If the pay is fairly good I'm going to go for it. They've sent me an aptitude test.

I'll post up what I've sent back later probably. x

well..

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 22:06:58 GMT

My uni work is now all planned out, with what I have to do and that. I'm debating over how many stories to throw in my portfolio, but I may just stick with 4. Carl's work is the only other thing, but I'm fairly sure I can knock that out in a few days solid.

In other news, I'm having the most unhelpful sleeping patterns known to man, i'm up til 4am, sleeping in til 10am and then my head is sore and I'm still groggy. Also, I've bruised my coccyx, most painful fucking thing I've ever done. It hurts to sit, and to lie down. If anyone sees me this week pulling painful faces, that's why.

Bit x

feck.

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 09:43:57 GMT

Have you ever had a dream that messed you up?

I just have.

About Natalie, of all people. Like a twisted shit version of what happened between us. Like bad soap opera kind of twisted, I saw us happy, like we were. Then I don't know, but I'm in Stoke. And she's fucked, she's off her head on drugs, living with a bastard who keeps her doped up so she'll do whatever he wants. And I can't protect her.

I think that's why I woke up with tears, this is stupid though right? I mean, I know none of that dream is true, yet why am I suddenly a little worried about her.

I think it's my brain doing stupid things, we haven't spoken recently from both of us being uber busy.

It's still not the best way to start a Friday, wiping tears and all that.

Fuckin dreams.

Grr

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 16:04:07 GMT

First off,

fuck you, i'm not going to be your friend after you've spent the last year fucking me about and making me feel like shit. Take your shallow, boring and nieve views and grow the fuck up. I can do miles better than you and it's taken me a very long time to finally realise that.

Now that's out of the way. I'm fucking stressing about my uni work. I've written two stories. Two, count them. On one hand. Shit isn't it? I can't be forcibly creative, it's impossible. I only have x amount of stories in my little head, and now thanks to Moy i'm questioning every single one of them, stupid bastard brain. I can't switch the fucker off and just right something, he's just as condescending as she was.

I'm really struggling, for the first time in my life.

Fucking University.

May!?

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 22:47:29 GMT

Well I'll be damned, has it really been 3 months since I used this???

I need like, a good shoe in or something.

Damn.

Well

Wed, 23 May 2007 22:02:47 GMT

Hello there, how are you? Your hair looks lovely like that.

I'm actually pretty content, apart from money, or the lack of due to some rather pressing debts, all's ok in my little world.

Finally put the Gemma situation behind me (i know, woohoo!), Michele, however, continues to be all "Woe is me, i've no one to call my boyfriend" (not her actual words, the speech marks are for efffect) at the same time as telling me she can't quite handle a relationship, which is either to not make me feel so bad for being a mook and likin her, or is just confusing. My ego's gonna go with confusing.

Am pretty pysched about next year, have got my article already planned and some interviews being arranged, which'll probably come back and haunt me when my chosen topic is poo poo'd by Carl.

I'm reading much more, expanding my mind so to speak, just started on Intertextuality (which is not some kind of fetish, but leads to some funny images of classic literature making porn.... wait, funny?? That's just disturbing David!) which is all about how every work is related in some way, it goes against my own ideas (or ideals to be exact) about originality and stuff, but is interesting.

Anyhoo,

Aimzorz we need to meet up soon, it's been way too long and I would very much like one of your cuppas, or to make you one if you'd prefer to come here for a change (it's tidy! I promise)

Oh and watch your various spaces for the last Id House party, it's gonna be good, big, loud and proud and at some point involve fire...

and nudity, hopefully.

Love you x

Happy

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 22:01:35 GMT

So,

finished my work

and just purchased the singular most coolest t shirt ever.

I've said that alot this year.

But this one is actualy that damn awesome.

Done x

:-(

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 21:49:14 GMT

I feel absolutely poo. The pills have made me really depressed, I actually just lay down at work today, I lay down and then didn't want to ever get up again, what the fuck is that about?

I just want to be off them.

Wooo

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 12:23:53 GMT

Sooo,

tonsils infected, back on medication. 8 pills a day, if they don't work I'm going in for surgery.

And all my work is due in in two weeks time.

Smeg.

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 15:45:51 GMT

    So it appears I was the only person unable to write anything this morning. Which is considerably annoying, as I've been on a little bit of a roll recently, with the banana story ( I pulled it down, it wasn't done. meh) and stuff. I really want to get this script out of my head, but I don't know how to write a script, or a scene where there's no dialogue. Damn you Damien Rice.
    Anyhoo, all I managed to write was my introduction to the narrative report, I couldn't concentrate in that room. I actually felt pressured more than anything else, surrounded by writers, people who are good at this craft. I've never liked any of my writing, nor do I believe i'm any good at this, but i firmly believe what i think and what i believe is suited to writing. What that writing is yet i'm not so sure.
    Nici's dude said my writing was good, that was a film review though, maybe that's where I should concentrate my efforts?? I'm honestly hoping once I get this report written I can concentrate on being creative.

Will someone else see Gemma tomorrow night for me?

They are never alone that are accompanied with noble thoughts.: Sir Philip Sidney

And yet again

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 11:12:15 GMT

I find myself trapped in some sort of prison. I played my hand rather well I feel, I made her decide and she did. I was happy, until I realised that I'm in exactly the same position, only with the added "togetherness" of it. I feel no different, I still feel unimportant to her, yet she fills my head with stuff.

Why do men fall for the games of women? We're meeting on Tuesday, and this is getting resolved.

Although I've said that before.

"I didn't want to start writing something of my own because to do that I'd have to start writing something. I love writing but hate starting. The page is awfully white and it says, 'You may have fooled some of the people some of the time but those days are over, giftless. I'm not your agent and I'm not your mommy, I'm a white piece of paper, you wanna dance with me?' and I really, really don't. I don't want any trouble. I'll go peaceable-like."
Aaron Sorkin

I mean Come On!

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 19:18:12 GMT

I open up to someone, so obviously
I am the bad guy.
I made them cry when all I said was
I "didn't want to be hurt" by them again so
I wanted one answer to one question. She brushed me off after leading me on before so what am
I doing wrong by protecting myself? Why should
I wait on someone who doesn't like me enough to just outright be with me? What tests am
I supposed to pass?

RAAARG

Wow.. well..

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 18:19:29 GMT

    Yeah, so could you believe that I'm scared to send in my snow rant. People have said it's too opinionated, my first thought was so fucking what? It's me, I have an opinion and have the skills to thrust it upon anyone who wants to hear it. Yet for some reason I find myself worried about what others will think?
    Is it a fear of failure?   It's the kind of writing I want to do in the future, am i scared that if this doesn't go down well my one career path could go down the drain? I started thinkin that maybe i should have taken journalism, but i hate the press, there's never any good news and all i'd wanna do is review films and games and stuff. Rant a little bit about stuff and make people laugh.
    Bah.
    I've got til Thursday to decide whether I want to risk sending it to Dusted. My dad keeps asking me if i've written anything, why am I so worried about what he'll think aswell?
    I've never liked anything I've written, Michele describes me as a bastard and maybe I am when it comes to this. If i'm wrong about stuff i will admit it, but, oh damnit i dunno. Something always nags at me that i'm trying to find someone's approval for what I've done, but i don't know whose.
    Yeah, so that's enough of that. There's actually work to be done.

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 22:33:21 GMT

Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*
Stupid David
*bangs head*

Gah!

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 01:36:59 GMT

Man, i got it bad.

i've written a poem,

i've not done that since Natalie.

You can't have one line cause i'm shy, so :-P

I’m trying to tell her that she’s wonderful,
I’m a writer; I should be able to fulfil
her imagination with vibrant colours
and romantic imagery that smothers
all her thought and concentration
so that my feelings could not be mistaken.

Instead I’m stuck with recycled words
used before and widely heard,
I’ll try my best to find a route
that makes her think I’m so astute
with my rhyme and at my trade
that girls will want to have her name
so they can claim I wrote for them
*** *** *****, *** ** ********* ***

I want to say she makes me feel like
I can take on the world and fight,
she’s the one I can see in every dream
and the one who makes me believe
that I’ll be alright when I grieve.
I want to tell how she’s invaded
all the places
I want to be when I’m alone,
that with her I feel at home
and she makes me feel so calm
that without her hand inside my palm
I’m sure my heart would cease to beat
and I’d die within my seat.

I want to say that she makes the days
I’m with her race
against the time we share
and make our time apart too much to bear.
I want to say that how I feel has not been written
that love, and want, and to be smitten
is not strong enough for how I’m feeling
and to find that word starts my head reeling.
I want to sum up all my joy and all my heart
into a word that fits the part
but so far I’ve had no joy
and hope these words will act as decoy
enough to grant me time
to find the words to make her mine.

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 22:51:21 GMT

I've been sooooo fucking emo recently.

I hate feelings, sure it's well and good liking a girl, feeling strongly for one.

But when they're taken, or when you know they'll just hurt you. why?

I've fallen for either heart breakers or scum on legs. Damnit, i want to find a nice normal girl, who isn't a fuckwit. gragh

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 12:11:15 GMT

I don't know what to do.
I'm so completly fallen for this girl, and she feels the same. Yet has somebody, and just..
gragh.

It didn't get to me before, why is it getting to me so completly now??

:(

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 21:49:10 GMT

So i've had an interesting day.

My getting fit's slowed down a bit, but i think this is due to my anxiousness of moving in and getting it out of the way. Once i've moved everything in i can hit the gym quite often. I will lose some weight, determined.

Today, yes, erm wandered round SPHC barefoot looking for someone's flat; been there for 8 months and don't know my way around,pfft. Then saw Aimee, which was both fun and sad at the same time, as an hour is no where near enough time in her company, it seemed like only 5 minutes aswell.

I have my Muppets DVD back!! so excuse me while i go and giggle hysterically at the really awful jokes. :D

i have...

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 21:46:03 GMT

The single biggest case of writer's block. Ever.

Have such an amazing idea, i just can't get it out of my head and on to a screen/piece of paper infront of me. tis very very very very annoying.

Linni saids...

Fri, 19 May 2006 17:32:12 GMT

Because Linni said I had to...

List up to ten (10) things you want to say to (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny and comment speculation.

(1) You're my brother, I'll have your back no matter what shit we'll go through. Nothing has ever changed that.

(2) Stop interfering in my affairs. Let it die and stop being a colossal twat.

(3) Grow the fuck up, I love you, but you're somewhere in the 90's

(4) I never say enough what a good mate you actually are, sometimes we need to fuck everyone off and chill for a bit. Soon x

(5) I want to tell you that it's you. It's always been you and it's been you every time you asked me

(6) You're a gigantic twat, you threw away the best thing that could of ever happened to you. Good luck, loser.

(7) I truly love you, that hasn't changed since i told you. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

(8) You're one of the soundest guys I know. We need to go out drinking more

(9) Forget about him, i'm not like him.

I stopped talking to you for a reason.

Sun, 30 Apr 2006 15:28:14 GMT

It's around 9pm on a shift at work, i'm winding down and going through all the essentials of shutting the shop on time. When i lad i used to go to school with walks in, with whom is presumeably his younger girlfriend and a new haircut from when i last saw him 3 years ago. I said "hi", he replied the same, there was that manly kind of nod thing, and that was it. I served him his DVD, he left the shop and i haven't seen him again since.

This is how i'd expect to act around all of the people i know longer speak to, but whom i used to. It's been at least three years since i've spoken to any of them, since we used to kick a ball around on a field wearing uncomfortable shoes and ignoring the bells to go inside for class. We stopped speaking for a reason, let's not go diving around trying to find things to say to one another when there's no real need, shall we?

I don't understand friends reunited or other sites similar to it. Why would you need to be reunited with a friend? I can happily say i'm in contact with all of the people i consider a friend. I'm not signing up to some website so people i used to know can track me down over that 50p i never gave them back in 1995. Someone (i didn't like) once said to me that it's possible to not see a friend for years and then speak to them for hours. Well possibly i say back to them, if you keep in some sort of contact in bewteen the actual meeting, otherwise i call it a routine:

"oh it's been 5 years, gonna have to organise that meeting with xxxxx"

I say this because i have a friend who's obsessed with looking for people on these websites, and for no reason. It's like MySpace, how many 'friends' do you need and hhow many of the gajillion people do you honestly speak to, or remember their name? Why does it seem like the world is changing the meaning of friend to mean 'acquaitance'? Those people on MySpace or friendsreunited won't rush round if you've just broken up with your significant other, they can't nip down the local with you or come to the cinema.

I shall sign up for FriendsReunited, to see how many people i didn't speak to in school want to speak to me now, and then laugh at them for being so false.